Planning your Care Shower
In an ultimate “culture hack” move, we adapted this article from “Your Baby Shower Etiquette Guide,” in Parents magazine. It works!
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Your Care Shower Etiquette Guide
When should you have a care shower?
Who should plan and host a care shower?
Who should be on the guest list?
We have answers to all of your most pressing questions.
Care Showers are a relatively recent phenomenon, even though caring for an elder or adult is as old as the hills. These parties are filled with joy and meaning, but can also entail uncertainty about expectations and etiquette. People often wonder about who to invite to a care shower and who should plan and host it.
To ensure everyone—including the new caregiver—will have a good time, these guidelines can be helpful for planning a joyful and moving Care Shower experience.
Planning the Care Shower
Every care shower will be unique, and yours should be adapted to the new caregiver’s wishes and needs. However, here are some general suggestions for making sure everything goes smoothly.
Who plans and hosts a Care Shower?
Care Showers are open to a wider array of emotions than baby showers, which tend to focus on anticipatory joy. So the host should be someone whom the caregiver trusts with a range of emotions. This is often a close friend or relative.
In some families, a sibling who lives farther away can find it challenging to participate in daily caregiving and guilt might sprout and sour between siblings. The more geographically distant sibling might host a care shower for the family as a way to acknowledge and honor what other family members are taking on.
When is the best time for a Care Shower?
The right time to throw a care shower is when the caregiver could use advice and support from people who have experienced caregiving journeys. This might be before caregiving really starts - or it might be after someone has been doing it for awhile.
Caregivers can become aware of the role at different times. Sometimes it sneaks up on people, and they become a caregiver gradually over time. For others, a diagnosis of a parent, spouse, or friend can spell a sudden change in roles.
The very first Care Shower was co-created by Jessica Meuninck-Ganger, who cared for her mother on hospice in her home. “I could have used so much advice - and fast!” said Meuninck-Ganger, who struggled to find the right home health products and balance work, parenting, and caregiving.
On the other hand, the other co-creator, Anne Basting’s mother was on a slowly changing journey into dementia. In this case, a Care Shower could be held whenever the need arises - to help foresee changes and boost spirits.
Sometimes caregivers might not be ready to embrace the role. Shock at a diagnosis, or anticipatory grief over impending changes to a loved one might make the caregiver resistant to the entire experience. This is when a Care Shower might be a perfect thing to offer - simply gathering a group of friends to create space to talk about their own experiences and honor and embrace their friend can be just the thing a person needs.
Do Care Showers need games and a theme?
No, Care Showers aren't required to have games, a theme, or anything else. The Care Shower host should follow the lead of the caregiver in terms of what kind of agenda to follow.
Drawing on the tradition of baby showers, some Care Showers have themes. These are best if drawn from the caregiver and care partner’s lives. For example, perhaps the caregiver’s favorite drink is a Matcha Latte. That can offer a theme in color and content - and even gift ideas.
Party games are a powerful tool to break the ice and bring people together who might not know each other well. They can remind people that caregiving certainly involves humor and joy, as well as challenges. Don’t be afraid to laugh! Remember, Care Showers embrace a wide range of emotions.
Should you have a Care Shower for a second (or third or fourth) caregiving experience?
Every care partnership deserves celebration, but since the true purpose of a Care Shower is helping new caregivers acquire wisdom and supplies, it's probably not necessary to host a traditional Care Shower for second or third care partnership. Instead, some people throw a "care sprinkle"—a smaller party designed to make a caregivers' life easier.
Consider, for example, a "stock the freezer" shower or gifts like movie passes and promises of respite / companionship care. You could also just plan a fun, celebratory social gathering that doesn't center on "showering" the caregiver with gifts and stories.
The Guest List
There's no right or wrong in terms of deciding who to put on the care shower guest list. However, there are certain guidelines that can help you make these decisions.
Who should you invite to the Care Shower?
Naturally, close friends and family members should be on the shower guest list. Beyond that, try to choose guests who would support and honor the caregiver and offer them a gift. You should certainly consult with the guest of honor and let them invite whomever they want (keeping in mind any limitations on space and the preferences of the host, of course).
Caregiving can sometimes surface tensions in families, so be sure to follow the lead of the honoree about which relatives might cause more friction than support.
What are co-ed showers?
Caregiving knows no gender. Both men and women become caregivers, so it is common to include both men and women on the care shower guest list. As always, follow the lead of the caregiver being honored about who they would like to invite.
Care Shower Gifts
Here are tips for everything relating to care shower gifts.
Should you register for gifts?
Opinions vary about registering for care shower gifts. Some people think it feels greedy to create a "shopping list" for friends and family, while others are eager to help caregivers-to-be stock up on essentials. Sometimes a gift is a perfect segue into a story of wisdom and experience from someone who has gone through caregiving themselves. Sometimes the story itself is the gift.
If you do decide to register, you can do it through a store, catalog, or online service. These options are practical and time-saving for the guest of honor, who can avoid duplicates and returns. Registries are also helpful for guests who may not know what to give.
Because it is a new ritual, not all stores that offer registries for baby or wedding showers yet list “care shower” as an option. To help bring Care Showers into common parlance, just email their customer service office and ask them to add it! Some companies, like Carewell, that offer supplies for care don’t have registries - yet! Email them and ask that they start one.
Caregiving does have its own “gift” language and traditions as well. New caregivers might benefit from a “Meal Train” or a “Sign Up Genius” where friends can sign up for specific tasks that might be helpful. Might you pick up Amazon deliveries for them? Might you help with picking up or dropping off kids? Might you help by offering respite - to offer companionship to the elder for an hour while the caregiver runs to the store? Might you run to the store for them?
Here are two rules to follow for care shower gift registries:
Never include the registry information on the care shower invitation (put it on a separate slip of paper, or let interested guests inquire with the host)
Never insist that guests use the registry (they should always have the option of giving whatever they'd like)
Always ask if caregivers want to receive meals. Meals that pile up unused can cause considerable guilt!
Are invitees who can't attend the care shower obliged to give gifts?
Guests who can't make the care shower are not required to give gifts. If they wish, they may send a package to the home of the host, who can have it on hand for the care shower. No one is obliged to give a gift at all. A shower invitation is an invitation to a party, not a demand for a gift.
When should the guest of honor send thank-you notes?
Usually, it's ideal to send thank you notes within two to three weeks after the care shower. Unless, of course, caregiving duties intervene. In that case, it's fine to wait until after the hectic period is over. It's nice to thank your hosts with a special token, too. A bouquet of flowers, a batch of cookies, or a book, would make great care shower host gifts.